yeap! its me again, your friendly neighourhood sider? no. blogger. LOL!
sem 2 was h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e!
the modules i had to take totally SUCKED. TILL NOW, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I HAVE LEARNT. seriously. thats it. The only valuable piece of knowledege i have gained from sem 2 is extra korean grammar and vocab. My fav. being: keu nam ja ka jai saeng kyor sor yo! (HANDSOME GUY SPOTTED)
also, sol sa reul hae yo! (i have diarrea)
HEH! random phrases, but, I LOVE EM!
as such, i am morally depressed, with an eerily accurate and somewhat dismal foreboding of what is gonna come on 31st may-reults release day just in case some idiot is thinking 31st may is my birthday. As much as i hate growing closer the the big TWO, i would still happily, albeit a little grudgingly; layered with a tinge of bittersweet longing, EMBRACE turning TWENTY. AH WELL, save that for november, where i bet my posts will get all emo-ish about exams and turning old. =( boohoo.
readers beware, you have been forewarned, MORE THAN SIX MONTHS IN ADVANCE!=)
yeapss, so, just wanna enjoy myself till 31st may=)
Went out with vanilla today for our sushi dinner! IT WAS GOOD! but they did a tiny price upgrade. 1.19 for a plate instead of the usual cheapo-will-make-you-want-toeat-more 99cents. Apparently, this took effect since 15april and poor vanilla didn't realised even AFTER she took photo of the sign announcing the upgrade in price. PRICELESS!
BUT! why is there an upgrade in price but no upgrade in quality? BOO! points off for that!
YEAPS! always love to eat out for dinner nowadays cause home seems different of late. Don't particularly like that kind of lonely-sad-empty-quiet atmosphere. Even turning the television on at full blast, or facebook doesn't seem enticing as before.
WARNING, I'M GONNA BE VERY WHINY AND IRRITABLE BELOW, SO JUST DONT READ IF YOU DONT WANNA SPOIL YOUR MOOD. Don't mean to be like that, but there's no other way i can express my feelings. Also, i want to record how i feel so i can read back and revisit the times where yeah you know, he's still here...*weak smile*
hmmm.wish i could turn back time, to maybe, one year back? Would have smiled brighter whenever i saw him;
would have woken up earlier during holidays so i could see him have his breakfast,
would have helped him look for his newspaper,
would have made more effort to talk to him and listen patiently to him as he reminiscences about the past,
would have suggested more family outings together,
would have bought more mos burger(FISH FILLET <3)for him as i knew he LOVED them a lot; (guess he will never be able to eat fish burger ever again..Im glad i found out he likes mos burger better than macs. Im glad i bought burgers for him even though it spoiled his appetite for dinner. Im very glad to remember his smile of delight when i woke him up from his nap, with a mosburger plastic bag dangling from my fingers..)
I never knew eating lunch together on sundays was so important until now.
I never knew the importance of bringing along a camera and snapping photos during large family gatherings was so important until i looked back at the photos and try to recall...
I can't remember the feel of his hands as i shook them during chinese new year just before i received my ang pow..
I can't even remember when was the last time i hugged him.Guess i can't do that now. im afraid to do that. he looks so frail i'm afraid my hug will crush him...
I really wanna do lots of things, but as days go by, more and more uncertainties come up, more and more restrictions are placed. Cant' even go into his room without putting on a mask.
rewind rewind rewind..
the first time he was warded, it seems to be Parkinson's. I thought that was horrible already. Iteared, but i didn't dare cry.
the second time, i heard it was bronchitis.He couldn't speak at all as it was totally affecting his throat. I teared again when i went, but i didn't dare to let it flow as i knew he was watching. His eyes always, without fail, lit up brightly whenever he saw me. His hands, would struggle to reach out to mine from underneath the blanket. I would always clasp his hand, holding on to his hand for the longest time i could ever remember. Even in that state, i remember him saying i was pretty. Weird. Normally i would be all happy inside, with a hint of proudness. Two weeks ago, i teared upon hearing that. Funny eh?
The same day, i remember him fervently reaching to his non-existent pockets. he was too weak to even walk so they put this diaper underneath him..he kept reaching, first to the left, then to the right, trying to take money cause he was worried i didn't have enough money. I can't understand; even in that stage. how could he even think of me. If it were me, i think i would have been so preoccupied with my discomfort to not bother about anything else. I guess thats what you call love? i don't know. I'm not sure. As weird as this might sound, i somehow regretted not bringing a camera with me that day. April 25th was it?
His eyes smiled the brightest. Did u know someone's eyes can actually smile? I only read about it in books, that was my first time actually experiencing it. I still can remember how his eyes looked like. They were bright, clear, moist, twinkly..his iris is grey, from age or natural, i do not know...I can also remember his grin. cheeky, smiley, happy-that-all-of-us-came-to-visit grin. There was this light that somehow told me he knew he would recover soon and he would then treat us to pu tian =)
The next time i saw him, his throat had cleared! We could actually understand what was he saying! I felt really good that day! Can't really remember much that day as i think i spent the whole time listening to his voice and simply just looking at his face.
yeap. after that, my exams were over and i shifted back home. Went yesterday, and although i was mentally prepared by my sis, by his condition, i guess it was different actually seeing the situation first hand.
Aunty penny and uncle sinteck were sitting there already, just staring. When me and my sis got there, his eyes registered our presence; but there was no smiley eyes or smile. it was TOTALLY different from any of the other visits.
I felt weird. empty. I took his hand, and kinda massaged it the way daddy did. guess he kinda liked it. Maybe it reminded him of daddy...
There was this tube in his nose, connected to his stomach. Can't eat solid food cause it might aggravate the tumor in the food gullet. Yeah. Just heard about the tumor that day frm auntie. apparently it has been there one year ago. four cm in length. Localized, but might spread. He keeps trying to remove the feeding tube and the drip .There was dried blood on scotch tape of the drip. It looked seriously uncomfortable. Imagine having something stuck into you for two whole weeks. There were numerous plasters on his arms. he looks so weak already, from all the testing and all. I felt very proud of him. I think i asked him before if it hurt. he said no. I wonder if he was lying to not worry us. am willing to bet that it hurt like crazy. The next time i injure myself, i doubt i will cry or dare to feel pain..
Guess what he had for dinner? milk. just a few mL of milk... when they were drawing the remaining undigested food out of his tummy, i saw milk, stained with blood, and a few unidentifiable chunks which i totally didn't want to enquire about. They pushed it back in, and put milk into the tube. I didn't dare look at his expression. I was seriously afraid what i would do. They had to let the milk flow down so he had to be propped up for 15 minutes at least. the nurses went off to deliver food to the other patients. I heard the sound of metal utensils clinking together while the patient beside him had his dinner. I felt bad. I wonder if he could hear it too.. I very much wanted to ask the guy to stop making so much noise. I didn't. was i a coward?
Aunty and uncle left as they had to pick matthew up. Me and silng seriously had a hard time trying to stop ahgong from pulling the feeding tube and AND the drip tube. sl was also feeling nauseous. she seriously turned pale. i don't know from what; she didn't tell me explicitly. ahgong was strong. His grip was strong as he struggled to get the tube out from his nose. I can't understand the discomfort but i think it must have felt terrible. perhaps 'terrible' might even be an understatement.
We practically had to plead with him more than 6 times to not do that. It was heart wrenching, Surprisingly, he allowed us to hold his hands to stop him from pulling at the tube. But, i could see the desperation and plea in his eyes to remove it. he kept taking to us, kept wanting to tell us something. The thing was, we couldn't understand what was he talking about. His throat was very badly affected and there was a lot of phelgm in his throat. Could practically see it when he breathed. he breated through his nose and mouth. He breathed heavily. Could tell it was very tiring. He kept wanting to sleep. But we couldn't let him sleep cause the fifteen minutes wasn't up. It was the longest fifteen minutes ever.. The doctor popped by halfway, and talked to him. Said he might still be drowsy from the sedative he was given earlier... I remember asking the doc why was there phelgm in his mouth. Didn't get a definite answer though.
Finally, the fifteen minutes was up. The nurses changed his diapers. when they finished, he was already fast asleep. I think it really took him a lot of energy just to stay awake. He must have wanted to listen to us. I find it amazing, and am thankful for that. human will is really powerful. Perhaps love is fueling that will.
Xiao gu gu and uncle came by later. xiao gu gu went beside the bed and stroked ahgong's left cheek. then tears started falling. Sl comforted her by the side. I went the ahgongs side, hoping that he was still sleeping and did not see or hear anything. Don't want him to see tears. Think it would make him sad. He was breathing with difficulty, and coughed periodically.. Could hear the phelgm in his throat. The coughing was so disruptive, he kept waking up now and then.
Even in his sleep, his right hand kept fiddling with teh drip tube on his left hand, kept wanting to remove it. I guess that was how uncomfortable it was.
tuesday, shifted rooms. to the single room at the corner. Have to wear mask where entering the room. Door also has to be closed at all times. Some kind of infection that can spread..
He was even put off the drip. I wonder why.
the doc said he has only six to nine months left to live. I can't even beleive im typing it out. The words still don't sink in. I am still not accepting the fact. six to nine months seem short. one sem. too short. No chemo, no surgery. he's too weak for that. Are they gonna leave him in solitary to waste away?
I hate being alone. especially in a closed room. facing nothing but four walls. Its scary. demoralising. Not to mention lonely. I think no one likes that feeling. The fact that we have to wear masks when we enter is disturbing. Imagine how would he feel like if all his visitors wore masks? I don't like it. I sometimes don't dare to visit him. I don't wanna wear a mask to visit him... My dad and grandma doesn't know about the tumor. yet. I think grandma should not know. If it's someone else's grandma i would say she shoould have the right to know. But im selfish. i think if she knew, she would probably cry even more at night...
i have never seen ahma sad before. i don't like it.
Should i go visit tomorro? i'd have to wear a mask.. i'm kinda afraid of crying again. soon, i might have no tears left...
